The Meager Recovery

7 years and many efforts ago, I was a winner. A shark, who went out and hunted and got what it wanted. Excelling in anything that came my way. Alpha kid was what I was. Life was rosy and defeat was limited to a word I had once read in my English book.

ONE decision later, it was all over. The black hole of life had found me with its inescapable pull. I felt human in a mortal way, just another soul wandering about among the millions with earthly problems. It was a blow to my perception of life. I was a prisoner in the darkest corner of the death cell where I was sentenced indefinitely. Staying friendless, riding on a cycle to and from a gigantic building of sorrows was my job. I was looked down upon, reminded how inadequate I was, compared with people basking in fake superiority. The frustration built within me, I did not explode. I did not cry. Not one tear. I was at a point way beyond the sadness which leads to crying. I sat under that wretched black coloured plastic lamp, every day most hours of the night. Trying, trying hard to professionally fly. I had forgotten that sharks don't fly.

It was enough. I snapped. "I dont give a shit" became my motto. A self-destructive move. But I would do that again if given a chance. It was the only way to live through the pathetic excuse for a life. All my agitation had finally surfaced. How much worse can it get? I challenged this notion. When you have hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

And up I went, surpassing all those who were flying really high. But this was the sea, and you can only escape and not hunt by flying. This excruciating experience embarrassing to say the least. A lot of people who met me in the middle of this ordeal probably thought I was a loser. But it feels good, to finally be able to write something like this. 

The Fictional Love of My life

Switching between anxious nerve wrecking nights of the swiftly passing life where I am a mere spectator and believing that I don't care about a thing in this world, I realised that it has been well over a year since we last met. And I missed you, a part of me was swaying with the wind, without content, ignorant; forgetting that you helped me when no one did/could.
I fell into the darkest black hole and lived to tell the tale. And when do I come back to you? Like a true mortal mammal, when I need you again.
My generation has a lot to lose. From Snapchat to Instagram, aspirations have become a joke. Sky-diving straight to the depths of hell self-created by us to numb the pain of falling and realising you fell. One day you just wake up and you are dead. Life has ended. No more possibilities, no more achievements, no sweet feeling of hope and definitely no more love.
Sharing my life with you was an experience. Someone there to complete my sentences. Someone nodding rigorously as you speak floating in the exact same mental depth you are in, not an inch less, not an inch more. Only if Hitler knew how life is going to be disappointing, there would be no need for a Blitzkreig.
Why won't the happy times return? Life is way too constant right now and it's killing me. What we had was real, a good old charm. Not something built on signals sent over by waves, where things can be said behind a screen. I refuse to hide behind a screen with my 'true' self. 

Unrelatable Post No. 1 - The Nightmare

Has your lifetime dream ever haunted you in your dreams? Last night, I had a dream. What was in the dream was something I treasured for a good part of my life. It came as a blast, a blast of truth. Woke me up to the reality I was dwelling in. And it keeps coming, week after week, night after night. As if with an evil motive to remind me of the time everything was right, and how wrong everything is now. 

Really now, being optimistic in a world where your night time dreams and unrealistic life goals combine is not something anyone would want to face. It may sound like a trivial matter. But when every other night, you see 'the perfect' and wake up to something which is not even remotely similar, it does get your panties in a wad. 'That is how life is', 'Life goes on' - Popular quotes, but utter bullshit. You can only cope up so much. Almost every night, I live the dream. It is so perfect. Life, how it was meant to be (in my head). And then reality strikes with the annoying alarm tone. Not a good start to my day. 

I'd rather have an actual nightmare where I am scared shitless and wake up with a huge sigh of relief, rather than pondering over the impossible for a good 5 minutes before I start with the bland life all over again. 

It makes me sad and I don't like to be sad. Yeah, I know some people who are compulsively sad all the time, but for better or worse I am not such a person. I am a simple guy, I want a happy life, and I am trying to lead one with as much fight as I have in me. But it's like a video game and I am like Super Mario, with every passing minute the no. of dragons and spikey ducks increase, the gap between two walls increases, like life is saying,

''What do ya think about this huh, That easy for you?"

Alive or Just Breathing?

After delving into some pointless research I observed that statistics (and not a made up one) say that more than half the people are satisfied with status quo as far as living life goes rather than looking out for newer possibilities. I get it, Newton's First Law of inertia. 

"A body continues to be in a state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force"

Two points to be observed here.

1. It says 'body'. Sure, scientifically speaking it includes all bodies living/dead/imaginary, but since this is not a blog on science (*sigh*), when do we use the word body generally? Hmm 'Anybody','somebody', but again this isn't a blog on the English language either (*sigh*). So, no points for guessing, we usually use the term body for corpses. Urges me to think whether the law should apply to living, mobile beings like us humans.

2. Does it ever happen in practical life that a body continues moving incessantly? So should the law actually have any significance to us humans and our way of living then? 

So, I've (yet again) proved using my evergreen flawless logic that the Law of inertia is null and void as far how we live our lives is concerned. People who want a constant life, no extreme points are well medically alive but dead in all other aspects. The EKG graph of a person who is dead is a straight line, no ups and no downs. Just putting it out there.

ALIVE

dead

At some point of life, you got to ask yourself the question, are you alive or just breathing? The earlier, the better.

Free Spirit

Everyone has a USP (Unique selling point). Yes, even the most obtuse, vapid and moronic person (in your opinion) that comes to your mind will have something to offer if you think hard enough. Then why is it that some 'talents' are considered more valuable than the others? Playing good football is always welcome, but not at the cost of that B grade in mathematics. To be able to play guitar well is only appreciated till you retain your rank in the class. And if someone is good at wrestling or kabaddi, sorry man better luck next life because these things are way too unconventional to be even considered. Why so much judgement? There is such rampant judgement in today's world that many of us complete this journey of life unconsciously without once discovering our true selves.

When it comes to employment there is judgement, sexual orientations are judged viciously, but the worst and the most harassing form of judgement is the judgement of thought process. It kills ideas, and a person is nothing without ideas, in fact humanity is nothing without progressive ideas. In school, we are 'taught' how to think and react to situations, something that we must learn and adopt individually, this is what creates uniqueness. Today, we are a herd of sheep. 9/10 people will give the same answers in an interview to questions based on ethics. Where is the diversity? And the screwed up part is that if they don't give those answers, they're deemed unfit most times. Because even the employers do not want someone with free thought process, it will be tough to tame him. When they say 'out of the box' thinking, be assured they mean only in terms of monetary profit for the organisation and not in a holistic way. We are taught solutions to problems rather than to stimulate our thought process.

And no one is judgement free, NO ONE. There are people, for instance the religious ones who claim that homosexual behaviour is an act of defiance to God. These people are dangerous. But there is another sect of people who are further dangerous, the ones who 'claim' to be judgement free, but secretly judge, secretly hate.

People judge others on political opinions, they come to blows if you don't support the same political party. I have used this example a lot of times and will use it again. If you see poop on the sidewalk, do you jump into it and wrestle against it and argue as to why it's there? Or do you just choose to ignore it and walk on? 

Why can't it be the same with ideas?

Another Vague Attempt..

What can I say, romance has gripped me. Not the kind which is popular - falling in love and other things. Out of all the 'elements' around us, the romance with the other sex accounts for a very little and insignificant part in life. The major part of life is, life. And what better than romancing it? It is around you, at all times, in everything. It is what theists call God.
Life is God, love is God. What is it we ultimately seek? Not love, not satisfaction, not success. These are merely means to an end - Happiness. The easiest way of being happy I have discovered is not some weird complex calculation of feelings. You want to be happy? Simple. Go ahead and be happy. As easy as that, no bullshit. In life, there are many things which have been placed out of our control, a majority of things actually. But the most important feeling, the sole reason of existence some might argue, is right where it should be, in our tightly clenched fists.
The other feelings such as sadness, is something that has been taught to us by the society for most parts. We tend to feel sad 10 times more often than we 'actually' feel sad. Failed in an exam? You got to be sad. Tanked a job? Drown in booze. Humans indulge in self pity. Why else are break up songs so popular? At some level, we imitate what we see. We mirror feelings of the society around. Ever catch yourself feeling something on the outside but something very different on the inside? One example is feeling sorry for someone. Such an indifferent term this - feeling sorry for a person. You try to get involved and attached with that person without actually getting anywhere close to the details and emotions that make that person. It is a way of fulfilling your social obligation. And social obligation is so confining, so superficial, so fake.
Freedom is what I seek, from this mask that we wear. Freedom from saying things said in a movie (said by someone else), freedom from thoughts read in a book written by someone else. Shake it all off. All this dirt and copied emotions sticking to one's self like toxic carbon sticking to your car's piston. It is then, you will find your true self, who you really are.
And who has found true happiness without discovering one's self? 

Puppy Love

The relationship of humans with most animals is a dark one, but if I had to pick one of the most selfish piece out of the lot, it would be with Man's best friend- Dog.

Everyone loves dogs. Puppies are adorable, aren't they? Ask yourself why you like dogs. One of the first things that comes to mind is they're loyal and that dogs love you back unlike cats (allegedly). You know what that means? You don't love dogs for who they are, you like dogs because they're loyal to you, you snap a finger and they do what you order them to do. This is something our human counterparts won't do for us- get ordered around. "Sit" "Stand""Eat""Don't eat".

It gives man the ego boost which is missing in his life, leading to the belief  'Dogs make your life stress free'. Actually speaking, all they do is give you the assurance that you are the one in charge, which serves as a stress buster.

Man's relationship with dog is a conveniently deceptive one. A dog is a man's best friend until the time he 'listens' to the human, it is deemed 'dangerous' when it stops obeying commands. How is it different from enslaving someone? Sure, unlike the slaves, dogs look happy. But it's only because they have not known any other life.

It is a very selfish relationship, caveman to a point. And yes crying about a fictional dog's death in a movie or a novel doesn't make up for reality. 

Men and Women are not equal. Period.

Men vs Women. Yes, an ongoing debate everywhere since time immemorial. The sudden realization of women's rights to both the sexes has fueled this further. I see people putting up gender equality banners everywhere. The educated class has given remarkable support to this cause. Well, I don't think men and women were, are or will ever be equal.

The whole notion of men and women being equal defies common sense at a very basic level. They are two different types of human beings. No one can compare the two. It's a classic case of apples and oranges. It is downright silly to compare them. When comparing, there must always be a parameter. When you compare two people (regardless of their sex) you compare them in fields like academics, sports, height etc. It would be wrong to just blatantly claim A is better than B, because that doesn't make sense.

Now, you can't expect women to stand in the same queue as males to book a railway ticket, because half the men (probably more) are sleazy creatures which will lead to an inappropriate and completely unpleasant experience for the poor girl. There most definitely must be a separate line for the fairer sex. This 'special' queue will not determine who is the better sex. It's a common sense measure.

Similarly, a woman cannot compete with a man when it comes to physical tasks, in most of the cases. It's just a physical barrier. I don't see why a few people get so butt hurt about it. Get over it. Girls are emotionally more sorted than guys are. Guys don't and shouldn't crib about that.

Men vs Women is as vague a question as Acer vs Lenovo or Table vs Chair. We need a specific parameter to zero in on the answer. For eg if we compare battery lives of acer and lenovo, we can probably come to a conclusion. Probably. See how difficult it is to choose even when the domain is narrowed.

Also, ladies just because a guy pulls a chair out for you, doesn't mean you are weak. It's a gesture, that I am a guy and you being my lady must not hassle herself with the physical inconvenience of pulling out a chair. Similarly, when it comes to matters of love, emotions, being constructive etc, women must come forward to help the men (just like we helped you with the chair a while back), because we would probably suck at it. It's not a competition, it's a void, and with the help of one another, we must seek to fill it in a manner convenient to both sexes.

Eyes Wide Shut

"Mera Bharat Mahaan" (India is great)
You must have read this sign behind Taxis and trucks. Since we were kids, we have been brainwashed by the notion that our country is the greatest, a country with imbibed ancient values. Be it patriotic poems or stories that have been tweaked to suit this purpose. I am going to question that fundamental truth. I do not think there is much to be appreciated. I feel India is a regular country, which falls between the failed states of Africa and the much prosperous Scandinavian nations. I have tried compiling some reasons for this blasphemous thought.

1- India is a country where girls are raped, brutally (as if the act isn't horrid enough) beaten up, killed and either hung from trees or thrown out on the road out of a bus and unsurprisingly, people in responsible positions announce publicly that rape is not such a big deal and that boys will remain boys, mistakes are bound to happen. Some of them also say that 'painted and dented' girls light a candle and protest against rapes. There are still others who claim chowmein to be responsible for rape. Limit of idiocy has been breached a number of times in this country.

2- India is a country where you will surely be judged if you ask a "lower" caste person his caste, in some cases there is legal punishment against calling someone by his/her caste. People will say, you still live in medieval, rather ancient time, caring about caste. They will judge, fiercely. I agree with them till here, but the very next instant these very people will stand in a queue to get a reserved seat in the premier colleges/jobs of this over populated nation where meritorious students are left behind and the reserved class student gets a seat with bare minimum marks.
Welcome to India, where inequality will always exist be it against backward class or upper class. Because revenge. Deal with it.

3- Following the above point, it is the only country where there is reservation based on caste. This is so screwed up, that it doesn't require further explanation.

4- India is the most densely populated country in the world. Which means we have people out there on streets deriving nutrition from nothing but human faeces. Yes, a lot of them.

5- India is also a country where people expect to get paid without working. I am talking about Govt Officials, the backbone of the country, the ones who run this nation. That explains why our beloved country is so crippled. These people will ask you 'favor money' or 'bribe' shamelessly to your face to do work they are already getting paid for by the Govt. It's like they have not heard of words like honour, dignity and self respect. I consider this as the worst form of begging.

6- The Indian Police is a joke. Personally, I feel these people harass way too many people than regular hooligans ever can. The Indian Judiciary is sold out.
The amount of criminals in the Indian Parliament is actually shocking. These people, who are criminals by the way, are not only free and not in jail, they also have jobs, and not just an ordinary job but the job of running a whole country. Let that sink in.

7- Coming to much smaller issues, 'Live and let live' can never be the motto of Indians. We are very nosy. Very judgmental. A boy and a girl together implies bad parenting. A 24 year old boy cannot drink a mug of beer because it's against our traditions (lol) to consume alcohol or smoke a cigarette. A lot of states in India have the legal age to drink as 25.

All I need to know is, why do we glorify something that we have inherited. Nationality, religion are no reasons to demean basic human values.
India is not a sone ki chidiya (golden bird). Wake up and become a human being.

PS- India is also a country where my limited freedom of speech forced me to reread this post before posting it. Who knows, I might be behind bars for writing some of this.

Parallel Universe Syndrome

The feeling of committing a mistake and realizing it later when you can do absolutely nothing about it is devastating. Really, it's a third degree form of regret, the worst there is. Nothing stops you from thinking about you in an alternate universe- "what if". This 'what if' ruins life. Trust me, one can ponder about it for days at stretch and not run out of positive what if scenarios. The shattering part is that no one really cares. No one can really understand the intensity, those who do, fake it. The close ones may listen to you a few times, but those hearings usually end with a "Move on, life's too long blah blah...". Come to think of it, I would say the same thing too to someone else. And well, after these few times, they stop listening too (which is okay really). What's left is the person, his what if scenarios and probably a little whiskey.
There is nothing in the world that I could find solace thinking about when I am stuck in this web of parallel universe scenarios, absolutely nothing. It is deep, extremely personal, and outright damaging. I say damaging because this entire thought process is time consuming and diminishes your self esteem, because you compare yourself to the perfect 'you'. Well yes, you really can't change the past but the future is in your hands bullshit takes you only so far. The affected person becomes so over cautious in life, that he over thinks everything to the point of squeezing the juice out of life.
Damn, I have made a lot of mistakes, I have sat, observed myself and at times backed myself for the ongoing mistake. Self destruction at its worst.
Whoever you are, whatever you do, that parallel universe image of yours will haunt you forever, sometimes for the good, and sometimes for the bad.
Mostly bad.

Is Less the New More?

When I was a kid, birthday parties were celebrated at home. Friends were called in and after a few customary party games and the cake-cutting ceremony, some treats were served. The cake was a big one. A 2 kg one usually, which not only lasted that party but also for the next few days. The parties where you had a small cake served usually didn't have a 'lavish' birthday bash. Lately, I have seen people (usually girls) celebrating their birthday with a just like a 200g cake piece. And all 15 girls eat a small bite from that. Now, why I've written girls and not guys is 'cos guys don't even bother to buy a cake, for them alcohol is the new cake. Coming back to the point, it's not a very revealing or an important observation, but in my diary, is still a noteworthy one. Is it because of health consciousness, us becoming more practical or preferring quality over quantity? That I do not know. But, it has repercussions.

For some of us who have been to Delhi, which places usually come to mind when asked to list the posh places here? Now, I'm sure the list varies, but it remains the same vastly. Most of us would agree that it's incomplete without Khan Market. Now, I intend no hate for Khan Market, but have you looked at the place? Properly? A small, shitty compound which is red with 'pan peek'. There are the typical 'Dilli ke chichore' floating about, holding each other's pinky finger and checking out young girls smoking. The stairways are usually very shady. The whole place is pretty congested and parking is also a problem. The exteriors are poorly constructed, old and the urine vapours in the narrow lanes will definitely not remind you of the grandeur the place boasts of. Having said all this, it is one of the most renowned places in Delhi due to the deluxe brand names which reside in this unpleasantly described shit-hole. The 'coolest' lounges are present too, to lure the youth. The questionable staircase leads to an imposing Bar & Restaurant or to a showroom where a simple dress for a lady would cost an honest Govt. Employee a month's salary. 10 years back when malls weren't that prevalent, Khan Market did come across as the solution to the list of posh places. But still? 

Teenage pregnancies, decline in the 'big fat Indian Marriages', rampant smoking among school kids-  

Is less the new more? 

The Uncomfortable Disarray Within

Ever sit and think about the worst things in life? The worst thoughts, the worst emotions? Most of them are related to others, to people you love or are connected. Yes, you get love, but it comes with huge liability. As a primary school student, getting less marks was frightening. Because of what follows at home, not because the Math score of class 4 will render you jobless the entire life. At 16, your parents overhear you talking to your gf/bf is appalling. At 18, you hide and puff that cigarette, why? At 23, you are scared to remain jobless, why? For most people, it is because living life on your own terms comes with a hefty price, and not everybody can afford it- being a rebel. You hustle, starting with your parents, rustling through relatives, you have to even go against your friends at the end, the very friends who were with you since the start. Sometimes, the fight is so intense and conflicting you have to go against yourself. What does that mean, going against your own self? It doesn't necessarily mean what comes to your mind instantly. It means going against the very grain that was instilled in you since you were a kid, it is scandalizing at times to oppose the moral fiber your life has been based upon. You start to think of the past. Of your seemingly wrong actions, the depth of blunders you committed because you did what was taught. Were those really blunders? Because you acted according to the information at hand. This gives birth to independent thinking. Contrary to popular belief, having a beer or celebrating your 18th doesn't mature you or magically turn you adult. The birth of independent thinking does.

The world's a master manipulator and you can't predict a single aspect of it. By world, I mean human behavior, collective human behavior. The simple reason behind it is that there are tonnes of variables involved, it's a massive equation no one has ever solved, because no one knows what to solve for. There is no solution, because there is no question. It's so simple yet complex, so comprehensible yet so opaque. The more you think about it, the more tangled you get and the farther away you are, simpler it gets.

Movies vs Books?!

This is the most absurd way of dividing people till date and is an example of infinite human stupidity. A lot of people 'judge' others based on their preference regarding entertainment. The ones who read, inarguably assume the intellectual title where as the ones who prefer movies/TV are tagged as couch potatoes. I am personally a movie freak. I have seen plenty of movies, as far as books, except for 2-3 Chetan Bhagat books, which I read due to circumstantial pressure, I haven't read any. Sure I enjoy comics and picture stories.

Now here comes the funny part, a lot of these 'pseudo intellectual' novel readers are dumb as shit. I am not saying all or most, but a lot of them. You know why? 'Cos hobbies don't decide how smart you are. If I were to even logically argue that fact, I'd simply quote "A picture is worth a thousand words". A lot of street smartness and general awareness comes out of watching something rather than going gaga over a boy riding a broom stick. Freedom of choice is most important and tagging people on the basis of your closed mentality gives us a peek at your door knob IQ.

So grow up and act like an intelligent life form for once. 

The 85mm of life

Contrary to popular beliefs, I like to call it the 85 mm of life. After a long, tough, annoying day, your brain contains a slurry of feelings, be it anger, frustration, anxiety, aggression. Nothing can make them go away. But you can sort it. The first puff, a little annoying, starts to stream your feelings. You are relaxed. The people around suddenly seem pleasant. For the slower ones, I am talking about Cigar'ettes', the more graceful and enchanting female counterpart of the cigar (as always).

If a genie was to give you a chance to convert the years of your old age to your present years (safely assuming oldies aren't reading this piece), would you do it? Hell yeah. Then why not do it? To save your life for later and stretch it more than required is a crime and a curse, both for you and your kids. 

Have you ever had a smoke in isolation? Just you and a Marlboro Red and maybe a window? Especially at night, when the lull allows you to hear the crackling, as fire travels further down towards the stick's butt? And with each drag your eyes close as if to help navigate the smoke through every inch of your lungs. It's a getaway, from the life you 'claim' to be living. 

If you have done justice to your cigarette, you will not feel the need to light up another one immediately after. Smoking is similar to seeing a stripper on a pole, the dripping cheese from a pizza, the sight of a commode after having a couple of beers- its indescribable, its phenomenally emotional.

Indeed, since time immemorial, life has been wrongly measured in years instead of millimeters. 

Silly Patriotism

I used to boast the fact that I had not cried since class 4 or 5. A feature of a 'man'. It is not allowed for a man to cry now, is it?

But I cried the other day, shattering my 'manly' record. But then again, records are made to be broken. But how did this horrible thing happen? How did I cry? Damn this youtube. Publishing all this patriotic stuff and martyrs' families crying for their son/husband/brother before finally setting his body on fire. Compels me to ask, why the patriotism? Why is someone ready to give that ultimate sacrifice for something he did not even earn. It is as stupid as religion. Nationality is inherited, it is passed on from your parents. What's the big deal about it? It's not like you are allotted countries according to your skill/potential. Then why the pride? If religion is stupid, this is equally dumb.

Not to mention, I do respect the sacrifices made by our martyrs. But I don't respect them for their 'patriotism', I respect them for their big heart. They can actually give up their life for something, most of us can't do that. I respect them for their skill, for their courage.

But you know, some things are not so easy. Not so logical. I am that fool, who is proud of his country, who does not believe in religion but, India, yes. I do not know why. I can't refute the above mentioned logic at all. But then I guess that's what belief is all about.

Nationality is inherited from your parents, but so is the life they give you. Does that mean you undermine it? No. You can choose to or you may not.

The failure chronicles

Since I was a kid I used to anticipate a lot. As a kid I waited for evening for that one line of Milkybar which i was given everyday. Every day, one line. No deviation. I used to calculate the no. of days to my birthday. Festivals were another, esp holi and diwali. There were big days, days of importance. And then there were the 'less important' days, the connecting days. They connected one major event to another. As a kid, this was my classification. And I used to feel the rush as the major days approached. Be it my exam day or holi.

But, it's not the same any more. There are no major days. Consequently no connecting days either. Just one type remains. I don't even know what to call it. It's like I am observing each day as it passes, unable to contribute. The day passes, I go to sleep. Where the day vanished and what I did during those hours remain a mystery just like that missing Malaysian plane.

Does it happen to you anymore? Wait for an exam all week maybe month. As the D-day arrives you suddenly become numb? Oblivious? You are writing the exam. You might be failing the exam, which will in turn compel you to stay back in your college even in the vacation month when all your friends go back home to fatten up, it will mean continuous countless nights with you sitting in your hostel room by the window alone with rum in one hand and a cigarette in another. You can feel the horror as you skip from question to question unable to dodge the inevitable- failure. But it doesn't matter to you somehow. The moment you submit your paper, you know you are doomed. But for that period of time, you become an ascetic, a shameless one. You don't feel sad. You are just ready. Ready to stay back in the dreadful excuse of a college. Turns out the 'major day' you had anticipated it to be was wrong. This was just another day. No emotional high or low. 

One more day passes. One more day is observed.